At 36

I turn 36 today. Thirty-five was both my most difficult year—except maybe that first year of life where I was just a blob and didn’t know how to do anything myself—and also my most fulfilling.

My mom’s health deteriorated sharply and eventually she died after an intense eight-month decline. But also my son turned two and continued to amaze me every day with how adorable, smart, and comical he is. He’s becoming a real human in front of my eyes and I’m fortunate to be here everyday for it. I’m still working a job that pays me well and gives me the flexibility to be there both for my mom as she was struggling, and for my son to see him through all the little and big moments. I’m grateful for a lot in my life, but time spent with my family is number one on the list.

I spent a good portion of the year thinking about my life: where I am now, and where I want to be. Will I get Alzheimer’s? What can I do to prevent or delay it? Knowing I might not live another fifty years, but maybe only twenty-five, what does that change? We all know, at some level, that we could die at any moment. But most people never let that sink in and make adjustments to their lives based on that knowledge. If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, or next month, or a year from now—how would that change you now?

I want to live the life I want now. I’m not waiting for a retirement that may never happen. Work isn’t that important. I do it because I am good at it and it pays and it gives me flexibility with my family, but I’m not passionate about what I do. If I’m spending forty hours a week on something, I don’t want it to be something I do because I have to, but because at the very least it fulfills me in some way.

What makes me feel fulfilled? The older I get, the more I realize how important it is to help others and be kind. Life is a daily struggle, and the best thing we can do is ease those burdens for our fellow human beings. We are all in this together. I found more joy and satisfaction from fixing a broken swing at a playground this year than I have from anything I’ve done at work. When I go to city hall to get a document notarized, or talk to the city engineer about a problem with our sidewalk, I leave thinking how great an experience that was, how helpful and friendly those people were. The best parts of my workday are when someone asks me a question and I know the answer and get to help them out. It’s rewarding to share my knowledge and assist others in going on about their day.

I’ve thought about this on a personal level and on a societal level. I want to do more for the people in my life and community. I know there’s a more socially useful job out there for me. It won’t pay as well, but I’ll feel better about the work I’m doing. But there’s more to my dilemma than just what I do day to day. Dealing with my mother’s disease the past five years, and living through the pandemic, I’ve seen how shitty our country’s systems can be. How they do not help anyone except the richest amongst us. Healthcare is absurd. Our family can barely deal with the system and we have health insurance and the money to pay for whatever comes up. We don’t have to worry about whether we should go to the doctor when one of us is sick. We just do it. Not everyone has that luxury.

Ever since I read Utopia for Realists in 2019, I’ve been a proponent of a universal basic income. That’s only a start. The more I read and the more I just exist in this world, the more I move further to the Left. I’ll share more on this some other time, but I’ve been reading a lot of anarchist thought lately, and it resonates with me. It feels like the natural progression of where my life has taken me. There are no gods, no masters. It’s just us. So let’s make the best of this we can.

[...] the anarchist finds his greatest satisfaction in struggling for the good of all, for the achievement of a society in which he can be a brother among brothers, and among healthy, intelligent, educated, and happy people.”
—Errico Malatesta

If this past year was me discovering more about what is most important to me and how I want to make the world a better place, this next year will be me trying to figure out how I can best achieve those goals.